This is art? Who's to judge?

I visited the Museum of Modern Art last week and had a nice chuckle over this "art exhibit." Security Guards are stationed throughout the museum of course, but they stand especially close to some of the more popular works, like the Van Goghs and famous works on loan by Edvard Munch. I was trying to imagine the security guards getting their assignments in the morning at the start of their shifts:

Supervisor:"Gary, you got Starry Night. Chuck, you take The Scream. Ralph, you got The Balls."

I'm in Love With Utility Guy...

Sung to the tune of "I'm in Love With a Wonderful Guy" from South Pacific. I'd like to dedicate this song to the wonderful crew from California who fixed the power on West Gate Lane. I send this out to you with love and respect. I’m as warm as the tropics in August. I’m lit up like the Fourth of July. Wires that sparked left me home in the dark; Now I have my Utility Guy. I was cold sleeping under four blankets. A tree hit my house, but hey, I was dry. Can’t match my clothes, With no light; This sure blows. But I have my Utility Guy. Then one day he drove up in white truck and said, Dear your dreams will come true. I’ll climb up there, And fix it I swear, You’ll be doing your laundry by 2! I’m as warm as the tropics in August. I quit checking my battery supply. He fixed it all right, good bye to my flashlight. I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love with Utility Guy! by Carole Trottere

Opinion Lady goes to the movies to improve her mind, OR, documentaries can be sexy

I recently ordered two documentaries to view on my exciting Saturday nights. Sure, I like films that are entertaining, but when I saw the movie trailer for these two films I thought “I must have been busy doing other really important things back when these films were first released (like watching Step Brothers for the 20th time) but I need to make time now to get up to speed.” Inside Job, a 2010 Academy Award winning documentary was written and directed by Charles Ferguson. This film knocked my socks off. If you are a taxpayer and citizen of the world, then it is your duty to watch this documentary. I am a financial idiot and even I could comprehend about 95% of what they were talking about. It helped that Matt Damon was narrating because I think I could even understand Quantum Physics with Matt explaining it to me. The film also uses lots of cool graphics to help a “normal person” understand just what went down in the financial world. I was depressed after watching it because you feel like a little pawn in a game played by the most soulless, greedy, inhuman bastards that ever walked the Earth. The worse part? Most of them are all still in business and are still carrying out business as usual, totally void of ethics or consequences, with no regard for fellow human beings or the state of the world. Just how much money is enough for these people???? They could not spend this kind of money in 10 lifetimes. Who will have the political will to stand up these financial rapists? I have to admit that I saw Eliot Spitzer in a new light after the film. He was onto them. Check out the film: http://www.sonyclassics.com/insidejob/ Who Killed the Electric Car? A 2006 documentary directed by Chris Paine is also another eye-opening film worth watching. If you ever doubted (even a little bit) that car and oil companies are in cahoots then this film will wrap it all up with a nice little bow-THEY ARE. The American consumer look like a sheep going to slaughter as elected officials with no political will or ethics lead us off a cliff. Again, the lack of any vision for the Earth’s future, or for fellow human beings, is depressing and there is planet of blame to go around. America has to wake up and DEMAND that our elected officials force this issue. They have the technology for clean cars. We need to elect people who will make this happen. http://www.whokilledtheelectriccar.com/

Opinion Lady now considers herself a more educated voter, taxpayer and citizen of the world! Watch these films!

Snippy young men and the Hot Dog Hooker

Opinion Lady has many questions. Last week Opinion Lady sauntered up to the Bobbi Brown makeup counter in Lord and Taylor. (No, not Whitney’s Bobby Brown, silly. The makeup Bobbi Brown) and purchased a $40 compact of “bronzer.” It seemed very important at the time. When Opinion Lady asked the nice young man behind the counter if he had any free samples, he gave her three tiny samples of “Extra Eye Repair,” a thick, pasty heavy-duty eye cream for old ladies with wrinkles! Not sexy green eye shadow; not The Beach cologne; and not even a lipstick for her thin, old parched lips. But a HEAVY DUTY EYE CREAM. Opinion lady thought about taking him by his little Lord and Taylor lapels and dragging him over the counter to say, “Look again Make-Up Boy. You must have meant to give this to a grandma.” But then when Opinion Lady calmed down upon arriving home, she put on her glasses and looked at the corners of her eyes in the mirror and said, “What a smart, kind Make-Up Boy he was!” because she saw that her face had taken on the appearance of dried, cracked mud in the Utah Salt Flats. Question; “When did this happen?” The Long island hot dog hooker also has Opinion Lady asking herself some questions. “Why does this Hot Dog Hooker have better self confidence than I? I want that self esteem that spills out of a hot-pink bikini top! ” That Hot Dog hooker pounds on her blubbery stomach and proclaims it a six pack! Opinion Lady would classify it as more of a “juice box” than a six pack. Hot Dog Hooker says she has “15 more years left” in her to do her thing. “Hmmmm. Perhaps Hot Dog Hooker Lady should do the above (see Heavy Duty Eye Cream story): Calm down; go home and put your glasses on; and then look in the mirror. Lastly, Opinion Lady thinks that people should stop chasing the Hot Dog Hooker Lady. There are bigger problems to worry about in this world and plenty of real perverts and weirdoes to be keeping an eye on. Granted, most of them are home watching porn on their computers, but Hot Dog Vendor Lady doesn’t need to be run out on a rail. What do you think?

People getting trashed shouldn't leave trash!

This trashy scene really ticked Opinion Lady off this morning. I was walking down by West Meadow Beach and found it strewn with beer cans, empty bottles of alcohol and a homemade bong. The fire had long burned itself out, but it was dangerously close to the old decrepit shed. I know kids are going to do this kind of thing, but what got me is that they are so self-centered and piggish about it. What happened to the environmentally sensitive generation? They are full of crap, that’s what. Couldn’t anyone have brought a garbage bag with them? I’d like to dump all this garbage in their driveway. And if you are going to leave a scene filthy with litter, don’t write your name all over the place. I found someone’s name on a box of leftover Girl Scout cookies, so I am on the case. It reminded me of that line in “Alice’s Restaurant” when Officer Opie finds an envelope at the bottom of a garage heap with Arlo Gutherie’s name on it. Arlo says, “I can’t deny it. I put that envelope on the bottom of that garbage heap.”
On a positive note, because Opinion Lady is really laden with sunshine, someone is a wonderful artist and left some lovely murals on the walls of the shed.

Photo gallery for Super Bowl Sunday

Oh, sorry. You are not allowed to use the term "Super Bowl" without paying for the use of it. SUPER BOWL. SUPER BOWL. SUPER BOWL. Ha! Here are just some photos from today, Super Bowl Sunday. I found out that the black-backed gull has a partner. The moon was out already even the sun went down. Probably couldn't wait for the Super Bowl to start.

The end of the vegan experiment…or is it?

The much anticipated numbers are in. I have finished my three-month vegan diet experiment to see if I could lower my cholesterol numbers by changing to a plant-based diet. I would be lying if I said that it has been easy.
I also confess, I did “cheat” a handful of times. (Once at a French restaurant with a heavenly cheese omelet) and sometimes I made up my own “loosey goosey” guidelines like eating Italian bread or dipping some eggplant in egg batter before frying. (Hey! It was just for a second!) Occasionally I treated myself to a cup of tea with milk and sugar. I was reminded of that scene in “Harold and Maude” when Maude coaxes Harold into trying wine for the first time by saying “Don’t worry. It’s organic!” I can rationalize almost anything.
Going out to eat when you are a vegan can make you a real pain in the butt. “Do they serve quinoa?” Or going to a friend’s house for dinner. “No, this head of lettuce is just fine. Well, how could you have known that chicken is considered meat?” I wish I had a dollar for every time I scrapped the cheese off a slice of pizza and then cried.
On the positive side, I do have more energy; I have rediscovered my joy of cooking; and I lost weight (12 lbs.). It gets easier with time and feels much less like deprivation than it does a lifestyle. So I am going to continue doing the best I can with this new way of eating, without becoming too obsessed with the “rules.” I think a small indulgence into the world of dairy products once in a while won’t kill me and as for that cupcake I am going to eat on my birthday…Don’t worry. It’s organic!
So here are the results:
Before
Cholesterol-209
LDL-143
HDL-54
After
Cholesterol-197
LDL-120
HDL-54

Let's streamline reality shows!

Everyone agrees there are too many reality shows, right? Of course we do. So I have come up with the perfect solution. Just as government must streamline and consolidate, so must reality shows. Here are my brilliant, cost saving ideas.
Jersey Shore and Hoarders: Buried Alive-Let those Jersey brats be forced to move in with a super hoarder. For those of you who don't watch the hoarding shows, Hoarders: Buried Alive are the ULTIMATE hoarders, while just plain Hoarders showcases the "run-of-the mill" hoarders. Put all those kids in a hoarder's house and let them clean up instead of going out all night drinking. Imagine Snooki's reaction when a hoarder says, "I want to keep that half empty can of Cheez Whiz because I really think I will be using it someday." It will totally eliminate the therapist from the show, which is just as well because I think they slow things down worrying about the hoarder's feelings and all.
Celebrity Wife Swap and Ice Road Truckers-Truckers who draw the short straw will be forced to spend 12 hours in their cab driving up an icy mountain road next to Gary Busey and Flava Flav. It doesn't involve the wives, but that's the beauty of it. They are off the hook. There will undoubtedly be a horrible accident, which only makes for great reality TV with half the budget.
The Voice and Cake Boss-Contestants have to sing, then eat a baked good. Could be a cupcake. Could be a wedding cake with that awful fondant icing. Judges will have to figure that out...blindfolded!

What annoyed Opinion Lady last year

Oh, where to begin. So many things annoyed Opinion Lady last year. Probably the number one thing on my list would be that no one listens to me! I could save people billions of dollars and help them avoid costly, embarrassing mistakes or bad career moves if they would consult me first.
Kim Kardashian-I would have told her, “Don’t do it. You are a materialistic empty soul who cares more about lip gloss and shoes than character. People will rebel if you hurt that poor guy, what’s-his-name.”
Demi Moore- I would have told her, “You have been blessed to have been with Ashton Kutcher this long. You knew that eventually, he would have to leave! He will always remember you fondly. Get him out of the house before he thinks about dating one of your kids. Ashton, you should have left before you cheated. Have some class.
Gwyneth Paltrow-You should have called me in 2010, when you decided to make the country music film and then do a concert tour. Let me give it to you straight, Gwen, you are gorgeous, talented, have money, an Academy Award, you were on Glee AND you are married to Chris Martin. ENOUGH. How much of the pie do you want? Save a little for the rest of us, damn it. Maybe WE want to sing country music, or have a food show where we go frolicking through Spain. No one likes a piggy pig who takes too much. Either give me Chris Martin and take your country music and Spanish food, or give something up. You need a dose of “real.” This is what I get paid for. (Or wish I did)
That Royal Wedding-The bride never called me (but should have!)because I would have declared the wedding dress BORING! I felt like the kid in the story "The Emperor has No Clothes." No one else wanted to say it. The dress was "Yawn." AND I declare the wedding "one of the best nap times I had last year."
Opinion Lady doesn’t want to end on a sour note. Many things did not annoy me. Glee; Anderson Cooper; Ellen; The Twilight movie; and Brian Greene’s Nova specials to name just a few. However, I am still annoyed that Oprah is gone.